hahaha. wala lang. kasi magpapasukan na naman.. bubusugin na naman ako ng MCDO at KFC. haha. oi in fairness, namiss ko yun na kau ang kasama ko.

tama ang narinig nyo. 4-3 na ako!!!

shet.

4-3 na ako.

hindi ko matanggap! ang tanda ko na! 4th year na ako! iniisip ko pa lang n dpat graduate na ako this year kinikilabutan na ako. feel ko lang kasi na hindi ko pa kaya mag-isa. i mean, tumayo sa sarili kong paa. not to mention ayoko magtrabaho. hahaha. tamad ako eh. hahaha.

i know i know. it's bad. it's not something to be proud of. pero, i can't help it!!! lagi nlng akong inaantok.

anyway, lecheng schedule yan. pinahirapan ako. regular na nga ako pero nagpa-advice parin ako. the heat, the sweat and smell of other people.. and daming tao! i was exhausted for two days. actually isang araw lang kasi tinamad (na naman) ako kahapon. hahaha.

anyway, thanks to lui and maia. natulungan nila ako maayos ang schedule ko. thank you thank you!

i can't wait for tomorrow. aalis ako with my highschool barkada. first time in...well, for years.

yeah, i know. it sucks. pero at least! bago kmi grumaduate! hahaha. i know i know, we're pathetic. hahaha.

kung counted yung debut, eh di last time we "saw" each other was at kae's debut which was two years ago. kmi ni kae... last time we saw each other was during the fair.

and to tell you the truth, i'm not that sure we have that much in common anymore. kasi si kat eh!

nag-rurub off na ang essence ni kat sakin! so i'm more kat-ish right now. which is okay by me kasi i love kat naman. and if i could have kat's confidence, much better.

*reminds me of a spongebob episode where patrick copies everything spongebob does (parang mali yung grammar ko?)

point is, that's not the jea they know. i've really changed a lot since 4th year hs.

*remember my last post? the whole yearbook nightmare? ++ more.

so i don't know if we can still be the happy trio we were. what the hell, we weren't happy before so i guess that doesn't change much.

hay naku. i'm kinda excited na hindi. anyway, we'll see.

may problem. hindi parin kumpleto ang 4-3! sila renz naubusan ng slot. sana maayos na yun. sayang naman. all-star na klase natin eh. hahaha.

weeeee! i'm happy i met up with my friends. i know i was worried about the whole new me, pero i'm glad that they stayed the same. lalo na si pres!! si pres kasi matagal kong hindi nakita. tapos lagi pa kmi may tampuhan, magkasama man kami o hindi. kaya sobrang na-miss ko sya. si kae, sympre na-miss ko. si kae pa?! eh mahal na mahal ko yun.

ah we had our picture taken and i just have to say that we look cute! hahahaha. tpos we bought teddy bears from BEAR HUGS. parepareho, iba-iba lang kulay. pink sakin, purpe kay kae tpos blue kay pres. ang cute!

hay... i miss them so much talaga.

kaya lang... masaya nga yung araw ko. pag-uwi ko naman nalaman ko na yung iba naubusan ng slot. ang sad. kulang pa rin. 

tomorrow's the first day of classes. last week i was so excited, i wanted it to start sooner. i know, what the hell was i thinking? but i was. and i didn't know why. maybe because i'm a regular again. i missed mingling with people i know. i missed being with my barkada. i miss the noise. i miss the kulitans and asarans; i missed everyone.

what can i say, i belong to an all-star class.

too bad we're falling apart.

i didn't mean it like the whole class had a falling out, it's just that the system in this school is whacked as smith said. we were 7 sections before and then they removed the last section so students from the last section will be transfered to the other 6 section making the it more cramped and then they say that they'll only allow 45 students per class. how is that possible?

ah basta..magulo. ewan. so anyway, some of our other original classmates had to transfer to other sections because there were no more slots in our class. ang gulo-gulo.

ayun. nawala na yung excitement ko pumasok bukas.  

plus! hanggang 9 kami bukas. kaasar. whatta first day naman yun. design pa! wow talaga. 

wow.

i'm too speechless. i can't think of anything to say kasi i honestly don't know how to react.

kaya...

WOW. 

everything so different. i can't recognize anything anymore and i find myself looking for the companionship i had before. but they're not there. so the result? i feel alone as usual.

nobody's there. everywhere i look, somebody's with someone else. and me?

nada.

maybe, it's just me. i've jumped from one crowd to another and everytime i do that i miss the last one i was with. maybe it does just need some getting used to.

but for how long?

i don't know.

and i'm back to reminiscing the good ol' days where i stick to one particular group of people. but that doesn't get me anywhere, does it? i had fun mingling with people i never thought i could mingle with. but somehow it changes me. thus, every time i meet and hang out with new people, i have this difficulty adjusting to how they are.

and it doesn't just apply to meeting new people. even now, that i'm back to my old barkada, i find it really hard to "connect". and when that happenes, sometimes i'm so tempted to come running to the people i was with before. just to talk or whatever.

*sigh*

i guess you've noticed that sometimes when you talk about something, i just smile and listen. that's me, not getting what you're talking about. and as much as i hate to admit it, sometimes, when i don't know what you're talking about or that you wouldn't let me know, i feel as though you don't trust me. and that hurts.

believe me, i try my best to ignore this little KSP moments, but there are times that it takes over me entirely and the only thing i can do is cry. i can't get mad because it's just me being selfish again.

so do forgive for being so KSP. i'm not mad at anyone. i'm just being KSP again.

i just realized that i was being unfair. when i read your comments yesterday, i thought, "i have deep dark secrets of my own, so why do i keep bugging this people to tell me what their's are, when i can't tell mine?"

kaya i'm sorry. i've been such a whiny baby.

i hate goodbyes. whether if it's for a long time, short time or forever. i hate goodbyes. and being the shallow person that i am, i always cry whenever i have to say goodbye to someone. i can't help it. damnit! i'm so emotional, it's like i'm always hormonal. hahaha.

oops. that didn't come out the way i wanted it to. that sounds bad. hahaha. 

it's just that the thought of not seeing that face, whoever it may be, really upsets me.  

if i could, i never ever want to say that word. pero that's impossible because people will leave me sooner or later. i just wish that it'll be later rather than sooner. i just can't imagine myself all alone.

it's that fear again. 

as sleepy as i was last night, i still managed to listen to somebody's problems. someone i never thought would ever talk to me like that. it was so funny because from the way we talked it would've seemed like we were bestfriends or something.

it was fun though. i saw something i've never seen before. and as usual, that makes me happy? seeing a different side of another person... i don't know. basta may feeling yun. i don't know what it is, but it's there. hahaha.

that's two confessions in two nights. do i look like a shrink? hahaha. it's like i wanna expect another confession tonight. hahaha.

i've got people who normally keep their mouths shut, open up to me. then again, that's the only good i can ever do anyway; listen. 

too bad i was so sleepy, i forgot half the things he said. what more if i was drunk? hahaha.

ang weird ng title ko. question: bakit shrink ang tawag sa mga psychiatrist? psychologist? whichever? 

i think i should definitely open an online shrinking service. as expected, someone opened up to me again. last night. actually two people opened up.

one of which, i didn't expect to be really affected by it. but i was. and i wasn't just affected. the mere fact that i was affected by it bothers me because, all this time i thought it was just a small thing. just plain amusement. but i guess it wasn't.

why is it that people open up to me about their "lives". i guess its okay sometimes; okay so maybe it's my fault anyway, that i actually force them to tell me things that i didn't know would affect me. 

 i'm flattered that they trust me and all, but is that really gonna be my sole purpose in life? to be the listener? to be the bestfriend?

am i really only bestfriend material?

hanggang bestfriend nlng ba talaga ako?

i'm sort of torn because, i'm glad that they somehow treat me in a special way it's just that they're not treating me in the special way that i want them  to treat me. get it?

it's my fault, as always. i expected. people have been telling me to don't expect. i thought i wasn't. again, i thought that it was mere amusement. but when i felt "that" way, i realized that maybe deep down i was half expecting for something serious to happen.

and that's when it hit me, nothing serious EVER happens to me. i don't klnow why i'm still hoping. i keep getting disappointed anyway.

i know it's stupid; me thinking about the future; me taking things too seriously, hoping that people would do the same. but as always they don't.

"People have one thing in common: They are all different." - Robert Zend, Writer

so hanggang kontrabida at bestdriend nlng ba talaga ako? 

i had fun this weekend. i spent it with my cousins whom i haven't seen for the past 11 years or so. they arrived last sunday from the US. boy, has it been hard. i kept stuttering. i didn't know what to say. i wanted to say something really witty but i couldn't say it english. argh. i feel like such a loser.

anyway, so after a few hours, the topic was switched to me.

tita luz: oh jea, how are? are graduating this year?

jea: no. i still have two more years.

tita luz: really?what are you taking up again?

jea: architecture.

cousin rj: you're in college?

jea: yeah.

tita luz: how old are?

jea: i'm 20!!! noooooooo!

rj: you're 20? i thought you were like 13.

jea: *sniff sniff* really?

rj: seriously, i thought you were like 7 years younger.

cousn jona: she's really 20?

hahaha. flattered ako! i don't look like my age!!!

part 2:

tita jopet: here, i was told by your mom that you love big bags.

jea: i do!!! thank you soooo much.

rj: what do you need a big bag for?

tita jopet: she's taking up architecture;

jea: yeah, i have a lot of stuff.

rj: you're just 12, what do you need a huge bag for?

wahahaha. he was teasing me. he actually thinks that when he says that i look like a 12 year old, he insults me, he's dead wrong. hahaha. i look young.

part 3:

cousin lauren: you have to come to the wedding or to pangasinan with us.

jea: i can't!

rj: what? why? we rarely see each other.

jea: i can't!! my mom won't let me.

lauren: she's 20! you have to let her come and party with us. 

my mom: she'll come with us next time you're here.

rj: next time? she'll be like 20 by that time.

mom: she is 20.

rj: i mean, she'll actually look like she's 20. that'll be like 7-8 years from now. 

i so love my cousin rj for saying that i look like i'm 12 or 13. he is such a tease. i can't remember the last time he was here. he was such a tease back then, even when we were little kids. i'll post pictures soon. right now, i'm just too damn tired. 

i just realized na sobrang weak ko pala. sa friendster acount ko naka-inumerate kong anung klaseng tao ako. and if you will notice, mas marami si negative, kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko alam kung anung positive sakin.

i don't know why i haven't thought of this before, pero hindi ko naman talaga kelangan i-enumerate ang mga weaknesses ko, kasi it all falls under..

inferiority complex.

i have major inferiority complex.

i'm afraid of people who i think are stronger and braver than me. i can't do the things i wanna do because i have this fear of being criticized. i'm afraid of disappointing people but i'm more afraid of realizing that i can't be better than other people.

in short, i'm afraid of people; of what they can say and do to me. i'm afraid of them and everything else that might be connected to them.

i've always wanted to be the best that i can but i can never tell myself that because i've always limited myself to the things i've done so far. i tell myself that i'm weak and helpless and wothless. so, that's what i am.

i've always put myself down that's why i'm always down. i've never told myself that i can be better than this. i want to be but i won't do it. because... i'm too afraid.

i was facing that huge painting of the Last Supper in the lobby earlier and while i was looking at it, i was thinking, "this is what you made me, right?"

i can't believe i said that but i did and i'm sorry. i was actually blaming Him for making me weak. 

though i am afraid of people, i can never imagine myself alone. without them, my fears would just eat me up and i'd be in the corner of my room whimpering.

somebody told me that i should change the way i am. and i'm thinking he might be right. but it is so hard. i've lived my entire life this way and i don't think i can even act like i've changed.

i really felt down today. maybe because i was so happy yesterday. however, as always, he made me smile. he always make me smile. even when he's not there, just the thought of him makes me smile.

i know, pathetic right? i don't care. he's my silver lining. 

so if you know a way to cure me of these silly fears, please help me, because honestly, i'm sick of being a coward and i don't think i can do it alone.