There are times when you think that some people act too slow. It may be true for some but for the others? Some people only seem slow because the truth is their stalling. Stalling because they are undecided or worse, they have already made up their mind, but their decision is much too painful for someone else, so he/she would just keep everything in between where nothing happens. You can't go back to the way you were because something already happened but you can't move on either because you think that there something there already. So what you do is you wait.

In the end... you finally realize that you wasted all those time waiting for something that was never going to happen. 

pft. I hate it when I'm left hanging in the middle. For the past week, I've been asking if I could come to PTS. They didn't say no but they didn't say yes either. They just said, "Sino mga kasama mo? San ba yan? Kelan ba yan?"

That's all. So here I was thinking that if answered all their questions, they'd say yes. But no. I gave them the waiver form and a list of my classmates who were going too. But they didn't even look at it. I was just wondering why did they wait until there were just two days left before PTS for them to say no? They could've just said flat "NO" in the beginning then maybe I could still persuade them. But now? What else can I do?

I just hate the fact that they left me hanging in the middle, letting me think that I have the slightest chance of joining,  when right from the beginning they never really wanted me to go.

Ergh! Stupid people! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!!!!

ps: this post isn't just about me not being able to join PTS; it may be about something else. you judge. 

it's sad how some people are stuck in the same boring rut they're in everyday. I should know, I'm one of them. However, this post isn't about me because I don't really like feeling sorry myself (that's just pathetic), but I feel sorry for those other people who are.

People in denial.

Remember my last post? The one being left hanging in the middle? I've got a continuation to that theory. Let's say, that you were left hanging. What would you after that? Would you move on? There are three things you can do when that happens to you. You either move on and forget about that it ever happened, or move on by trying to pursue what you've already started or... make something up.

Sometimes, when people are in denial, when they can't face the fact that what they never got what they wanted, people make up stories. You know, the happy ending ones. They keep telling themselves that this/that happened just to satisfy their needs or wants of something they can never have.

The sad thing about this is that these people drag other people into their stories and these dragged-in people can't help but ride along just so...well, to make the story have a happy ending. However, this isn't just some story, this is reality and you really just can't dictate everything you want to happen. Yes, you do have that power but there are times when things will just happen because they need to happen.

It's like watching or reading something you got really hooked on and then the ending was kind of suckish. Wouldn't you want to change that ending? But it's not for you decide what the ending will be because it's already written.

 ps: I didn't like the ending of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. I'm not a fan of the whole Harry-Ginny thing.

People who take things a little too far.

Besides from the fact that we are mere humans, every aspect of our lives has limitations. There's a difference with exceeding limitations because we can do it and abusing it.

Sometimes, we just have to learn when to stop. I mean, that's why brakes were invented, for crying out loud. If people were really meant to go far and never stop then we'd all be dead.

*Hallelujah brakes 

There are things that weren't meant to happen so don't force it. Leashes are for dogs not humans. (although they can be used for pigs too... but that's another story)

*yawn* I'm so freakin sleepy. Episode 10's not out yet. I wonder why? hmmm... maybe that's why I'm in such a rotten mood. pft. or maybe it's the fact that I just described myself to the world up there. bah! who cares!

note: talking to one's self is not a good sign. It's your body telling you, "You need to sleep, dude." So, I'm taking its advice and going to bed. Goodnight. 

It's so ironic. I've been always afraid of the dark ever since I was a little kid, when I didn't even know why people were afraid of the dark in the first place. There was a time when I was afraid of closing my eyes. That's why I can never imagine myself as a blind person. If ever I would go blind, I'll probably just kill myself.

I now realize what is it about darkness that has me so freaked out. No, it's not what might pop out of nowhere. It's not about what I can see. It's what I can't.

It's like living in a horror movie. You stand in the middle of this room not seeing what's going on around you. You feel its presence but still, all you can see is this black void. The mere fact that you're surrounded by this nothingness scares you. And then suddenly. you see an outline of a person. You feel somewhat relieved knowing that there's somebody in there with you. You start walking towards that person; after a few steps, you stop. You hesitate.  You're thinking, "What if this is the thing that I've been fearing?"

You shake it off. You tell yourself, "I'll take my chances." 

You continue walking... but every now and then, it disappears. When that happens, your fear resurfaces. You stop every time it happens but you keep pushing yourself to go on. You find your way through the dark hoping that you would bump into something or someone. You fear is eating you. That fear of not knowing what's going on but you know it's happening.

After walking for a few minutes, you stepped on somethings or rather someone. You feel instant relief as that person reacts to what you've done. But then, he snaps back at you and bites your head-off.

You step back and run off back into the darkness. Back to where you belong.

**********

I always try to find light in everything but the more I seek it, the more I drive myself into the dark. That's when it hit me, maybe I'm meant to stay in the dark. I can't see them, they can't see me. Nobody hurts nobody. 

I've been always afraid of the dark but there are times when it seems like the only safe place to be. 

Sunako-mode: ON 

*no pun intended. 

It's so weird. I find myself thinking about somebody I shouldn't be thinking of. Not that its bad or anything its just that.. I don't want to think about him. When I realize that it's him I'm thinking of, I slap myself.

It's....*shudder*

It's that weird. I don't even know why. ewan. It's weird. basta weird. 

I saw something I didn't want to see.

I was looking at my reflection on the tv earlier, I had just switched it off. I still had the remote control on my hand. Then, I clicked it again. And then I realized that I just turned on the TV again. 

Then it hit me. I was staring at myself at the TV and then I switched it "off." What was that suppose to mean?

I didn't like what I was seeing.

Do you know how bad it is for you to turn off the the TV on yourself. I don't even switch it off during a bad show.*sigh*

There something seriously wrong with me.

After that, realizations came pouring in. I'm such a plastic. I didn't realize it before, because I was doing it subconsciously. What's worse is that, I'm subconsciously doing it to myself. It's as if every day's a lie. I lie so that people will like me. I lie to myself by saying that I like other people.

So, maybe I'm not exactly lying...maybe, I'm just forcing myself to like them. I am a wuss after all.

It's just that no matter how hard I force myself to like these people, there will always be evil thoughts popping out from the back of my mind. Do you ever get that feeling?

You're facing this "friend" of yours. Then that person says something and then you try so hard to keep yourself from rolling your eyes or force a smile to appear. There are even times when I force myself to care to what they're saying. But I just don't. I don't know if people notice me doing it because I don't. Honestly, I think all the muscles in my face must have a mind of its own.

I feel so guilty doing this to people. After reading this you might be watching my every move. Maybe that is the point, I want people to notice because I can't. 

I just had to blog about this because it's eating me up! My stomach and my chest's all in a twist. It's like they're all contracting.

I don't hate people... I just don't like them either. It's not like I do it to everybody, just to some people. I really do want to consider them  as friends that's why I'm trying so hard to force myself to like them. There's just something about them that I don't like. I can't figure it out.

 I knew she was in there somewhere...It's the first time that I actually saw her... and I think this is just the beginning.

No matter how good a thing is or how wonderful a person can  be... there will come a time when you'll get bored and tired of it/him/her. I guess it's true, what they say, that too much of a good thing isn't good. Then again, maybe it's just me. I easily get tired of people and things. Especially, when that thing/person isn't really that appealing to begin with. Like, maybe it was cool for a second and lame the next. But, if I seldom experience that thing/person, then maybe I wouldn't get tired of it.

Like gorgeous guys (hahaha), you seldom see gorgeous guys so when you do actually see one or see that hot guy again after a very long time, then I'd be definitely be excited about it. However, But if I saw him everyday, his face would turn ordinary...

That's it! I always want something new! I crave for something new. I'm so sick and tired of my boring, ordinary, redundant life. With no excitement and no social life. Holed up in classrooms the entire day and then strict parents forbid me to mingle with people outside the walls of our house. How crappy can my life get?

Well, I do hope that it improves but so far... as I've said,  I'm sick and tired and bored of my life. With it, how can I  improve it when I've already lost interest in it? Blah!

Two nights ago, I was kinda excited because a long, lost friend of mine contacted me. He said that he had been thinking about me. Coincidentally, I've been thinking about him too... Sad, to say that our only means of communication is through chatting. So for the past 2-3 nights, I've been chatting with him... and now, I don't want to anymore. That's how easily I get tired of something. My excitement duration has a maximum span of 5 days and a minimum of 10 mins. About the same time my anger lasts...oops, I can get mad for years pala.

So now, I'm hiding from him. ergh...so boring. hahaha. 

I do have something else to be excited about now, I was texting another freind of mine last night. I was worried about her because...just because. Anyway, we were talking about her asking me for guys. hahaha. I feel like a "bugaw" hahaha. Then she texted, "ei jea, binigay ko pala kay Patrick # mo."

sa isip-isip ko, I was like, "WTF?!" I replied, "Ha?! Bakit?!"

She said, "inuman daw tayo..."

and then I forgot to reply. hahaha. Anyway, it was kind of weird since Patrick and I are not exactly homies to do something like drink together. Not anymore, not since HS. So, I've had a crush on the guy since 5th grade..who cares? I just think that he's good in basketball, nice dancer, nice butt for a guy, a little good-looking, a year-older than me, a few inches taller than me, very nice and friendly, gentleman (at times) in short... Everybody, back when we were in high school, had a crush on him because he seems like the perfect guy.

I don't like him that much anymore, because for one, I don't know what happened to him anymore since graduation, I haven't seen him in a long time and I've already forgotten what he looks like; meaning, we haven't talked to each other in 4 YEARS. Why now? 

I think that it'd be just weird. But...it'll be something new, so I'm kinda excited about it.

This post is too long, so I'm cutting it here. Good Morning Folks! hahaha.

I'm not really in the zone to do my major plate. no inspiration and no motivation. Every night before I got to sleep I ask myself, "Why am I still doing this?"

No answer. Sometimes Luci's not to bright; when she doesn't want to be blamed for something bad that she knows that's going to happen, she'd rather not say anything at all. Crap. A lot of help she is.

Note to self: Talking to oneself is frowned upon in most societies.

Anyway, as I was saying... I'm too preoccupied with Hana Kimi, Coffee Prince, Kurosagi and a lot more Asian dramas to even think about design. Ergh. Kat's rubbing off on me. Now I've got this thing for Japanese and Korean guys... you know, guys with slim, sexy bodies with smooth sexy skin and sexy eyes. Did I mention sexy? Augh! I'm not complaining though, it's just that guys like that...don't exactly exist here. If ever they do, they're really scarce and seeing them would be like... kyaaa!

I must say, our stalkerness has leveled up. We're bolder than before. I mean, we don't really care if we get caught or anything, if we do get caught we can just flirt our way out of there. Besides, getting caught is a chance to flirt. Am I right  or am I right?

*sigh*

I really must find the motivation to do this last major plate. I mean, for crying out loud, it is the last one for this sem and I'm doubting we'll be this lax next sem. How on earth would you be excited to do your plate when your prof doesn't want to come to class either? Augh! *scrunges face*

Onto weirder things...

I was really feeling down today. I don't know why. I don't have the reason to be down so I don't really know if I was or if I was just being emo again. However, I don't have the reason to be happy either. In short, I am an unfeeling person. Riiiiight. Me? An unfeeling person? I'm like the most emotional person ever.

Then again, maybe it's because I just finished watching Hana Kimi. I still have a hangover. Can't believe I won't get to see Nakatsu's face anymore. I just can't believe that there aren't any other Ikuta Toma dramas. Augh! I don't wanna  watch Akihabara@Deep... to weird for me and the background music sort of freaks me out. I dunno why either.

I'm missing a lot of people lately... yup, a lot. I even miss those people whom I get to see everyday. I just miss the things we used to do together.

*I know what you're thinking... yeah, he's a part of it, but I was thinking of somebody else.

We're not that close anymore since I don't get to see that person everyday. I wanna go back to the good ol' days. Goshdarnit! I feel like such an old person, referring to events as though they happened years ago. I can't mention the things we used to do because then it would soooo obvious. Yeah...It's him.

*sob sob* Hana Kimi's over! *sob sob*

I really can't get over it. It was sort of dragging in the end because Mizuki said goodbye to everybody one by one. Anyway, it was still good though. I'm kinda wishing they'd make a sequel. In fairness, a lot happened within 12 episodes. It was sooooo funny! Shet! and I'm thinking about Nakatsu again. *sigh*

*breathe as though you're stuck in the elevator*

logging out! not to do design... just to watch Coffee Prince. I badly need to get over Hana Kimi! 

 note: ignore typos and the wrong grammar too tired to fix it. >_<

I'm sorry for being such an emotional wreck. boohoohoo! I'm better now. I really honestly think that I'm just being ksp again. Augh!

I once blogged about my ability to make myself happy. That though I have not found my ultimate happiness, I can still be happy just from the simplest things. Now, why is it so hard to be happy? No matter how hard I try to be, I just can't find the reason to be happy. I laugh occasionally but that's just because I find something funny but even that isn't enough. I force myself to smile but it really is hard to keep smiling when there is nothing to smile about.

Augh. I think it's this very reason that making me feel so suckishly pathetic. Augh. So yeah.. I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little happy now... or maybe it's because I saw Eun Chan again. hahaha.

*see? I'm laughing!

I guess, I'm a little disappointed though... the people who I expected to care or the people who I wanted to care doesn't really care about me at all. That made me feel really... more crappy. I'm not worth the trouble. Anyway, no use in making myself feel bad as already is.

Does it really show? Me, looking harassed, stressed and sad? Does my face really show it? I was trying so hard not to let people see. I guess it just can't be helped.

I am thankful for those sensitive enough to know that there is something wrong; and that "something wrong" isn't just something. From that, I can see who really cares and who cares just for the sake of saying that they did.

Wah! crappy feeling taking over entire body! Augh! eeeh?!

*Come on Jea! Do Design already! 

me: Nooooo! I don't wanna!!